I wrote this post – well, I dictated it breathlessly over an audio Whatsapp message to my sister as I was walking (sorry, make that half-walking, half-sprinting with my scarf trailing along the pavement because I remember distinctly not having the energy to pick it up) to the tube station one cold morning about six months ago. I’d just dumped the kids at nursery (bad word, bad situation) and darted off after the usual flurry of getting them dressed including a particular lowlight, even for me, which was making them brush their teeth with their fingers because I didn’t have time to find their toothbrushes. Here’s what I said that morning, so indicative of so many other mornings I’d had:
“Liv, I’m stressed. I’m friggin’ stressed. At the moment life is controlling me and I feel overwhelmed. Something needs to change, I know it, and its weird because when I come to say it out loud, the reasons escape me but when I’m in the moment, I KNOW it’s rubbish and that it’s not sustainable. I’m not the person I want to be right now, and that I know that I should be (Does that sound weird? you know what I mean) Want to know the other worst part? When people I meet ask me what I do, and I reply ‘I work for Google’, they’re always so impressed and the more impressed they are, the more my heart sinks. Not because I don’t like the job, but because the weight that it bears on me is heavy. So heavy. Nothing about my existence impresses me right now; striding along with my head so deeply buried in my phone flitting from work emails to Instagram to replying to week old Whatsapps that I nearly bang into an elderly lady. Dreading the office Christmas party because I can’t find childcare and it clashes with Sam’s Christmas party. Wanting to order take away EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. That’s how exhausted I am.”
A typical (and truly delicious) free lunch at Google…but theres no such a thing as a free lunch
So I’m making some serious life changes, putting my ego to one side and doing what I know needs to be done. Returning to work after Sonny brought up all sorts of mixed feelings but tomorrow I take things to the next stage and say goodbye to a huge part of the last 9 years of my life and possibly one of the most prestigious companies to work for in the world (my dinner party chat is about to nose dive. Wait, who am I kidding – I go to dinner parties maybe twice a year..) and leaving Google. I don’t really have a bigger plan for now except to concentrate on spending slow, juicy, mind – expanding time with the kids and to throw all I can in to this online space. We’re having to make financial adjustments and dropping down the kids days at nursery – they’ll only be going one day a week going forward. But none of that matters. What matters is that I want the life I want.
I want to stress two things. This isn’t a post attacking my workplace – Google have been great and have tried to offer me several options. But I don’t want it. I don’t want it all. And perhaps controversially, I believe that the time has come for me to make a choice. I personally don’t believe women can have it all. Well, I think we can have it all; just not all at the same time. Nor is this a post attacking or guilt tripping working mothers – quite the contrary, it’s celebrating them ! If you can work and make your work work for you, then MASSIVE kudos. But I couldn’t and I’ve had enough. I loved my Google job, the team, the smoothies, the yoga classes, the vegan food but these things are all replaceable; whats not replaceable is my kids growing up, my relationship with my husband, my errm, sanity. Life goes too quickly to not be feeling as good as possible as much of the time as possible.(I should stress I was trying to hold down three jobs: Google, my blog and mumming – life could be very different with only one of the first two options!)
I feel lighter just writing this post, and in no way sad. So yes, although I’m closing the door on a very important chapter in my life, I’m saying hello to headspace – something I have dearly missed the last few years and something I believe to be a fundamental right. I’m saying hello to a new relationship with myself and with my family, and hello to finally being able to brush my kids’ teeth with an actual toothbrush.
Thank you for reading what is a super personal post for me. Have you made any big life decisions recently? Or are you needing to?
Emma x
P.S The one thing about motherhood that baffles me
This is the post I needed to read tonight. I’ve just handed my notice in at my part-time teaching job. No more leaving my son sobbing at nursery, no more spending 2 days a week with other people’s children while missing out on my own child, no more sleepless nights dreading going in to a job that I used to love but now resent.
Thank you!
Hi Emma! I’ve recently started watching your YouTube channel and realized that I love reading your blog posts equally as much. Although I’m 23 and just graduated from university (woohoo!) and I’m not married, nor do I have kids – I can relate to the feeling conveyed in this post so much.
I would love to become a mother someday. For now, I’m enjoying reading about current mothers’ experiences. I like to think that doing this prepares me for my own motherhood someday, but as I’ve learned there are things in life one can never fully prepare for.
Thank for sharing your journey with us! xx
I really needed to read this tonight. I’m quitting secondary school teaching after 15 years and 2 children. I want to see me children grow up. Drop off and pick up from school, not launch into nursery and hot foot it down the motowatcat break beck speed.
Thank you for writing such a personal blog. Good luck with it all. Xx
I recently made a change after years of feeling not-quite-right. The job wasn’t “bad” it just was no longer for me. Now looking forward to the next chapter!
It’s interesting to read this posts so many months later and see how far you have become on your blog and promoting sustainable living and you seem to have a big smile on your face x
ah thanks Triin! that’s a lovely thing to say. how are you getting on?? sending big love ! p.s so sorry for the terribly slow reply xxx
Hey Emma, just wanted to say congratulations. We have one life and having followed you for a while now I was super excited and happy to read this post. Both for you and your kids (of course) and also for me, because I love your blog and now will get even more stuff to read! Thank you for sharing your life with us. You have a way of making me feel so much better about my own motherhood journey (not stressing about the small things, taking things slow etc), and inspired at the same time so thank you and enjoy!! Xx
ah bless you, thank you so much for your good wishes and kind words – and do let me know if there’s any content in particular you’d like to see <3 xxx
Thank you for sharing this, it’s good to read some real personal honesty about life (the majority of my mama friends seem to have it all), happiness included!
I’m just about to embark on a massive change in life regarding motherhood. It’s been a long time coming, something I never actually thought I’d have to face.
My daughter is about to meet the woman my fiancé had an affair with. He left me once our daughter was born, telling me about the affair he was having while I was pregnant. (7 and a half years and you think you know someone..).
I’ve been pushed into a corner with this decision, and I’m trying to come to terms with it.
I was robbed of a ‘normal’ motherhood, where everything you imagine happens, and now here I am. They are still together.
Im about to face a whole other dynamic of the pain, as if I’m embarking on motherhood and heartbreak at exactly the same time isn’t enough.
If you can make changes to your mental well-being and happiness, to be a better version of yourself, do it. Try it. I can only hope that the decision that’s being made for me, helps me turn a turn another little corner.
All this being said, I love my daughter dearly and we are the bestest of friends. (Goes without saying).
Thanks again,
Laura.
Hey Laura – first up, thanks for sharing your incredibly personal motherhood journey. what actually touched me most was your final line about you and your daughter being bestests of friends – “goes without saying.” I’d say that’s not necessarily true and actually takes a lot of hard work over the years. It shows me that you have been an awesome mum to her, that you are so super close. I really, really hope that the ‘meeting’ goes ok for you – it must be just indescribably difficult to comprehend – but just by your words, i can tell that you are an amazing woman and just remember that you relationship with your daughter is the strongest out there. Sending all my love x x x
Yes! So happy for you for choosing family over work, because in this day and age there is ironically a reverse shaming going on where moms are told sacrificing work to be with their kids is “unfair” – when really it’s what being a sacrificial parent sometimes requires. My mom quit her job to raise me as a full-time mom and I couldn’t be more grateful, it made all the difference in my life – I otherwise wouldn’t be who or where I am today (including working at Google) without it – and our relationship! This is going to be SO worth it – for you, your husband, your kids, and all your other relationships.
Google can be quite an impressive name, but I agree, it isn’t worth sacrificing our limited time with the ones we love, doing what we love… Life is too short!!! I would recommend the movie “29+1” because it relates to this a lot 🙂 I bawled…
Much respect for you, and wishing you all the best!!!
Hey Grace – thanks for your awesome words, makes a lot of sense and agree that today there is this reverse shaming going on. im on a bit of a mission to change this… ! Google is a tough place to leave, it really is, and it’s amazing to hear your thoughts on your mum raising you. And oh I will for sure check that film out – thanks! Thanks for reading x x x
This is brilliant, well done you. Since I returned to work for the second time almost a year ago I’ve run myself ragged working 3 days a week in a law firm and spending 2 days a week looking after my children (my husband also works away).I feel like I cannot commit to either work or home properly, so I feel like I do a half-arsed job at both (this has been a particularly rough week!). Concentrating on one element (my children) would be so liberating. We’re not quite there yet because of plans for the next year or so like trying to buy a home and possibly go for a third (eek!) but I know that ultimately I will then need to take some proper time to focus on my family.
It’s hard for successful women like you clearly are because it’s easy to feel that one should be all things to all people. Thank you for sharing this brave step and look forward to seeing how everything unfolds for you. Lots of good wishes xx
ah thanks for your message and for sharing your story. it’s so tough isn’t it and i really feel for you. timing is so hard to gage but when it’s right, im sure you’ll get that urge to change things up and it will all fall into place. in the mean time, im sure you re a wonderful mama to your little ones – the mama they need right now – and things will keep evolving, they really will. hope you’re having a restful sunday <3 xxxx
Such a great article – you’ll never regret this decision! It’s also made me reflect on flexible working – the big topic that is being pushed a lot at the moment. And sure, companies offering more flexible working arrangements for people (not just parents) is one option but it certainly isn’t a solution for everyone – it wasn’t enough for me. I found that even with reduced hours to spend more time with my two kids, I still felt very much torn & that I wasn’t really doing a good enough job for my employer (in my eyes, I put the pressure on myself) or focusing enough on what my kids needed. So I changed it & while it’s not necessarily been easier (giving up childcare, reduced income & less adult chat every day) it has made me feel more free & noticeably happier. Look forward to reading more about the next stage of your family adventure x
you could have written the continuation of this blog post! I feel very similar to you and hope you feel you made the right choice. thanks so much for reading Gail, and thanks for commenting. all best! x
This is so so wonderful to read and I bet you feel a thousand times better, I know that feeling and I know you will feel amazing!! I too was in this situation, quick story.. Got an almost 10 year old, completely quit work the minute she was born, had her home all the time, had the best times bringing her up. Had another baby, she is 18 months..when I was pregnant I had a job as child number 1 was in school so worked school times. Had baby number 2 and felt this guilt if I didn’t return to work, luckily family looked after her but something hit me one day and I thought what am I doing?! My partner told me to quit as he could see all the stress. I couldn’t hold everything together from home, work, kids, sorting dinners.. Any mummas that do all this.. Well I blooming look up to you, you amazing magical people!!! 5 months ago I too quit, well down to 6 hours and I feel great just doing them little hours but was worried about everything but oh my I am such a better person for doing so. As mummas it’s easy to feel guilt as there will be mums on here who work and bring in money that we all need, mum’s on here feeling guilt for not working but at the end of the day we all do what we feel best and works best for us ❤️ massive love x
ah what a lovely message – thank you for sharing your story <3 sounds like you experienced similar stress and realised it can all get too much. so happy for you you made your choice too and hope it's feeling good <3 happy sunday xxxx
Wow, this sang out to me so much, I have just had my 2nd child and she is 16 weeks old. I have friends who are all mom’s and have gone back to work, which is awesome and they wanted to do that and they are doing what makes them happy, and as their friend I’m happy.
But, I have always felt that I don’t bring much to the table conversation wise when we’re out, almost like I shoukdnt have a hard day because im not sat in my respective job facing another challenge, even though I know momming 2 children is bloody hard work.
I’ve also felt the pressure to have it all, a career and a family (I put that pressure on myself, well I did but in sure society crept in too ?) even though I’ve never settled on a career choice for myself.
But the other day I was sat with my 2 girls and thought, well I do have it all, and everything clicked, I knew that when my time came I could train in the field I want to, but I won’t have missed an ounce of these fleeting years with my girls.
I realise that im really lucky to have the option not to have to go back to work, and I’m so grateful to my husband for that, because he told me that I had the most important job out of the pair of us. What a lucky bunch us Mom’s are!
I’m so happy that you aren’t another stressed being on the hamster wheel, and look forward to hearing about all your many adventures with your gorgeous family.
Lovely lovely stuff!
LOVE THIS!your career moment may well come in the future but right now it sounds like your heart is firmly with your gorgeous girls – which is where it should be for you and your family, it sounds p.s id love to sit at a table and have a conversation with you!! (blog post on all that coming soon…) xxx
Thank you for writing this! I too don’t want to have it all but have been too embarrassed to admit it for fear of being deemed lazy or unambitious. I still feel the need to make excuses as to why I didn’t go back to work, ‘childcare’s expensive’, ‘I haven’t found the right job yet’ etc. The truth is I just want to spend as much time as I can with my little boy and I’m so thankful I’m in a position to do that, you’ve made me realise I shouldn’t be ashamed of this! Wishing you lots of luck for this exciting new chapter!
ah bless you – i so hear you and im so happy i can ‘legitimise’ looking after your kids if you can (how crazy that we have to justify it!) aside from the fact that looking after kids is literally the least lazy job in the world. well done you for knowing what you love – now go and chase it 🙂 x
I’m sooooo excited for you! Well done for being so brave In pushing back and taking what you need and want! I’m sure you will look back on this in the future and see it was a brill decision for you healthy, exciting and full of family and full of life! Looking forward to hearing all about it!
ah thanks so much sara! that means a lot. happy sunday to you! <3
amazing. I’m so happy that you are following your heart, soul and happiness. I’m at stay at home mum now and my son doesn’t go to nursery – exhausting but I’m living my best life and Hank you for being honest and sharing this with us.
My new plan is to dive into yoga, teach myself to practice and connect with myself – be more mindful, calm and serene etc…. who knows where our path is going but it’s funny exploring everything along the way ❤️
ah sounds like you are genuinely living your best live, and i am o happy for YOU! xxxx
Emma, what a huge decision but what a great decision! 9 years is incredible, it’s basically growing up at Google! All the best for the future, I’ll always know what you’re up to but would be great to stay on touch, Ayesha x
Emma, what a huge decision but what a great decision! 9 years is incredible, it’s basically growing up at Google! All the best for the future, I’ll always know what you’re up to but would be great to stay on touch, Ayesha x
hey ayesha! hehe it is so true re growing up at Google – didnt think about it like that but you are right. It was a long time, and now i feel ready to move on. for sure stay in touch, you know where to find me and coffee some time would be so lovely ! x
Also – you haven’t asked for advise but I feel compelled to share this, 4 years down the line from where you are now – some ground rules need to be discussed with the husband! This will save you some simmering tension later – like “yes I will do your washing if it’s in the basket but no it’s not my fault if you have no clean pants on Monday morning!!”. Just remember how easy it is to slip into having things done for you when you visit your parents for instance – this is now going to happen to your husband and Unless he takes a year off to look after the kids single handed he’s not going to understand your perspective fully – but that’s ok, you both just need to be aware of it!
haha love this – thanks! so true – can so imagine these sorts of conversations in our house too ! x x
I couldn’t agree more with you, because I made the same choice as you. and I still don’t understand why in this day and society the job “staying home mum” is not a payed job. Why that is not an option blows my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY. At least here in portugal you don’t have rights for nothing if you stay home with your kids.
Anyway, money is not everything and that’s why I don’t want it all also! And I feel FREE.
Thana you for your kind, real and personal words.
I only wished we could hang out so we could talk for hours about everything because I feel we could be good friends! ☺️
hey! ah thanks for your lovely comment and of course for being here. yes we could totally be friends because i agree – a stay at home mum SHOULD be a paid job. it really should. it is far harder than so many office jobs. so glad you feel as free i hope to feel soon x x x
I gave up my cool tv job 4 years ago after my second kid was born and I’m still sure it was the right thing to do. The number 1 regret people have on their deathbed is that they with they’d spent less time at work and more time with their family. My husband is open about the fact that he feels like he’s missed the kids growing up and I’m glad I can say I haven’t – for them and for myself xx
ah this is awesome laura – sometimes you have to make ‘sacrifices’ which actually gain you so much more in a totally different aspect. sure you being with the kids is the glue of your family. have a lovely weekend . x x x
I agree with this so much I feel like I could have written it myself. I’m ‘taking time out’ as people say to raise our daughter for a few years and I’m so happy we’ve been able to as these early years are so precious and go so fast!
I totally agree with ‘women can’t have it all’ when we expect or are made to feel like we should have it all and have it all now, now, NOW! I have a family now, I will have a career later, I will have it all but on my terms and in my own time!
Well done on writing this very personal blog and for the major life change you have made, few people have the self insight to know what they want and how to get it. Your family are lucky to have a mamma like you xx
ah thank you emily for your lovely wise words – they mean a lot. you sound like you’re so super in tune with your needs and those of your family too. YOUR family are fortunate (and i am too to have you here! ) happy weekend xxx
So many of your posts resonate with my own thoughts and feelings, and this one is no different! I’m currently on maternity with my second and have decided not to go back for the very reasons you state. We do only have one life and for me, spending it with my children whilst their young is 100% the right choice and feel happier for making the decision. Go with your heart and your head will follow 🙂
yes ! congrats on making the choice charlotte – that’s amazing you’re so in tune with what your heart is clearly telling you. excited for us both in our new futures <3 thanks for reading and for being here x x x
I love this so much. You are real! It’s so refreshing to find someone who is real. Thank you for sharing your heart. You are so brave in taking this leap of faith. Your time with your littles will be the greatest reward. So happy for doing what is right for you and your family. I quit working when we had our first child. I do not regret it one single bit. I don’t think I could juggle both working outside the home and in the home. Not that you can’t or that working outside the home is wrong! I tell my husband that these have been the best days of my life. By the way, I just discovered your you tube videos, blog, and instagram and I’m smitten. “I can see rainbows now the clouds are gone.” #headspace
hey teresa! so lovely to have you here and thanks for such a divine comment. you sound so at peace with your life choice and im so happy for you too <3 xxx ps what is the line re ?i can see rainbows now the clouds are gone"? it sounds so familiar but i cant place it.
Hi…I’ve been watching your journey unfold – it was one I took myself 3 years ago…leaving a life of full time working in fashion with lots of travel.
The newness will ebb away as those hours you missed with your kids are clocked in again. You’ll see a difference in your wee ones and one day, you’ll wonder why you tried to “have it all” (what is that exactly?!) when you already had it all…your family
So talking from the other side…hey there ?…it will be way cool – different but awesome. Life is for living and loving.
Go you – Good luck ? xx
thank you so much for these words of wisdom Hayleigh, they mean a lot and i think i know what you mean re the different but awesome. these years are irreplaceable; the travel, cool factor of a fast paced job and even salary are not xxx
My grandmother passed away last September. I lived with her and took care of her. Really though, looking back now, I see that it was her who took care of me. We were closer than close.
From the day she passed I gave myself 40 days of mourning without making any changes to my life.
On the 41st day I gave my notice at work.
It was time for change. I began teaching full-time again (yoga). And spending the rest of my time with nature.
My healing needed to come first.
Hi Alexes, what an incredible story and how amazing that you were clearly so in touch with your needs at that time and just knew that you had to make that huge life change. well done, and hope you are doing well now. lots of love and thanks for being here x x x
Thank you Emma!
xo
Lots of love to you as well!
Congratulations for having the courage to do what is right for you. Google will not be the same without you but I am certain this beautiful, honest, wonderful space you’ve created will flourish and (more importantly) so will you, your relationship and your children. I can’t wait to witness it all and I’m very happy for you Ems!!!
ah thank you so much my love! that means a lot from you. lets please catch up soon once you’re back from Guate and hope you are enjoying those gorgeous boys of yours .all my love xxx
Wow big step! I’ve decided to quit my job after my first baby was born. Stay at home mum is not the easiest I find but it is my calling and I truly believe that no one else can care for my children better then me, we are raising the future, what a privileged position we have!
Cant wait to see more on your channel! Enjoy your head space
SO privileged – you are so right. thanks patty for your comment and for being here <3 xxxx
I have recently done the same…it’s an amazing feeling to have nothing but the children that is urgent, having them and our adventures as a priority is so refreshing and I can tell you’re going to feel the same. Well done for following your heart and doing what’s right for you and yours, enjoy every second x
oh my gosh yes !! this is everything i want <3 thanks for reading laura, and for being here. have a lovely weekend xxx
This is amazing, thanks for such a raw and heart-felt post! I went back to work 100%, 6-months after my son was born. I love my job but I feel guilty every second I’m away from him! Unfortunately right now I don’t have the option to stop working although I do have a plan which I am working hard towards that will hopefully allow me to spend more time with my baby boy! I want it all, all with my family! I wish u all the best!
hey imogen – wow you sound super focused on your end goal – your family – and you know what you want – which is half the battle. ive no doubt you’ll get there. thanks for reading and for commenting xxx
Yay you did it! Well done ? this post resonates with me so much! I wrote something very similar when I quit! Totally feel every thing you expressed ? I also didn’t “want it all” and haha yes like you said I’m not so impressive at dinner parties any more lolz but whatever the years are slipping away and the kids aren’t getting any younger … embracing this time where we can hug them and hold them , nurture them and teach them is THE MOST important thing in the world !!!! It’s not always easy for different reasons but definitely a good decision xxxx
yesss i did it! not an easy decision as you say but feels so right. we’ll have to have dinner parties together to chat about yoga and other such lovely things. thanks for reading hun and have a fab weekend with your brood x x x
Thank you for this. I was a horticulturist (dreamy job!) and left when I had my little boy. It felt so good to read “women can’t have it all.” What a realization! The weight off after reading that was like I gave myself permission to be a mom now and whatever else I dream later. Thanks 🙂
ahh bless you, being a mum is a total dream and privilege and ive no doubt your dreamy job will navigate its way back into your life when the time is right. thanks for reading and for commenting lizzie <3 xxx
How wonderful! I remember when I chose to quit my paying job to stay home and be a mom, I never felt lighter and never felt like I made a better choice in my life. Congratulations!
yes Jenn!! right there with you now. thanks for reading and for being here xxx
This post was everything I needed to read today – thank you Emma. I applaud you for knowing what you want and making it happen. Need to do some more of this myself. Wishing you so many great things in this new phase x
thank you so much emily, it’s taken me some time and it doesn’t come easily to us women i dont think to always put our happiness first but its so important. here if you want to chat through anything xxx
I’ve started working fulltime 1year after giving birth to our little boy. My boyfriend cut down on his work because I earned a bit more. I did it for 9 months and was a mess. My relationship to my son… There wasn’t any! When i was home i couldn’t concentrate on a single task, i was thinking about work. When i was at work i missed my son. So, since 8 months i’ m only working 20h a week and it is perfect. Less money but I am myself again!
I fully get you! Have a wonderfull time. ?
Go you! amazing and quick work on what you need to do to make you and your family feel calm and fulfilled. happy for you <3 xxx
Oh my goodness I’ve been feeling this whole “can women have it all?” thing so much recently! I’m not a mum, not even close, but sometimes I feel like the pressure to work as well as parent is pretty big, and that being a working mum is the norm and if you don’t do that then you’re being lazy and not taking advantage of all the opportunities given to us. But…I just wanna be a mum? I don’t have any career goals or aspirations, I’m not that way inclined at all, and when I come to have kids (obviously this will depend entirely on our financial situation) I know that I want to spend my time with them, teaching them about the world and who they are. Thank you for sharing this!
I am very ambitious and really would like to work on my career, but I have a 16 month old son and I can’t leave him in daycare and go back to work. Every month I am saying next month, but it never comes. When I wake up and look at that sweet little face seems like nothing else matters. But it does. I feel very sad, somewhere deep inside me.
hey dace – thanks for your comment. its not easy, its really not easy. ive no doubt that at some point, you and your boy will be together – when you feel the calling really strong and everything is in place. until then, know that your son loves you so much and you are doing the very best you can x x x
oh my gosh i so hear you Serena – the pressure is immense but being a mum is EVERYTHING and certainly not an easy or lazy option. teaching kids about the world is the most important job out there – you’re going to be an amazing mama <3 xxx
That’s very good. Bravo! Keep going.
For me is quite different, but
In 30 years, will you look back on your life and regret not working more? Probably not. You may however regret not taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, cognitively, spiritually, and socially. I commend you on your choice of self-care. You are being an example to your children of an individual aware and advocating life changes, in the pursuit of a happy and fulfilling life.
thanks you Rexene – it’s taken me a while to get there but so happy I’m here now <3
Although I only know you through your youtube channel, instagram and website I can honestly say that I am proud of you for following your heart!! I totally get it… and I am sure you will not regret it at all… wishing you all the best!
thank you so much anna – louise – thanks always for the support. have a lovely weekend xx